


Dear Jasper, I love you.

by some_nights



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Bellamy Blacke/Raven Reyes (Implied), Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin (Referenced), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, Post-Season/Series 04, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 09:43:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11033622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_nights/pseuds/some_nights
Summary: In his second week, Monty finds a journal. He begins to write.





	Dear Jasper, I love you.

**Day 14**

 

Dear Jasper.

I can barely read my handwriting. That’s what you get for writing with your hands in bandages. It hurts a lot. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. You are dead. You chose death. You chose dying over trying with me. I don’t know how I feel. Maybe I don’t feel anything. Five years. That’s how long I’m stuck in space with Harper, Raven, Echo, Bellamy, Emori and Murphy. Fucking John Murphy. He’s alright I guess. People change. You had changed. I didn’t realize that until it was too late. I won’t make that mistake again.

I love you, Monty

 

**Day 15**

 

Dear Jasper.

I wish I could use my hands properly. I hope they get better.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 16**

 

Dear Jasper.

I guess this is becoming a daily thing, huh? My letters to you. You’ll never read them. But maybe you can feel them, wherever you are. I never really thought much about an afterlife. But I can’t live with the thought that I’ll never see you again. So I guess there is a life after death.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 17**

 

Dear Jasper.

Today sucked.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 18**

 

Dear Jasper.

Tonight I had a dream again. I don’t get nightmares, even though I have so many reasons to. The others wake up screaming sometimes. Harper trashes her limbs in her sleep and dreams of drowning. She often dreams of dying and then she wakes up and cries in my arms. I wake up empty. I dream about you and me, in the old days. When we were just kids being sent to the ground, responsible for the moonshine. You had an unfortunate crush on Octavia. It was us against the world. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough. And then I wake up and it isn’t real. Maybe it never has been. I wish I could cry like Harper.

I love you, Monty

 

**Day 19**

 

Dear Jasper.

I was watching space with Bellamy when we saw a shooting star. We both closed our eyes for a second and made a wish. He probably wished for Clarke to be okay or for Octavia to be save. I didn’t know what to wish for.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 20**

 

Dear Jasper.

I miss you a lot. It hurts.

I love you, Monty

 

**Day 21**

 

Dear Jasper.

Space sucks. It’s been three weeks and I already hate it. Everyone does, except maybe Raven who gets to work on exciting new projects. Bellamy misses Clarke. He doesn’t admit it, not even to himself I think, but whenever he looks at the earth, he thinks of her. I can see it in his eyes.

I wonder what people see in my eyes? Harper said I looked sad. No shit. I lost my best friend. The only family I had left. Fuck you Jasper.

 

**Day 22**

 

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love you. But sometimes I get angry at you, because you left me. That’s selfish, I know. It was your life. Your decision. Doesn’t mean I can’t hate it. I could never hate you though. I love you, always have, always will. Monty.

 

**Day 23**

 

Dear Jasper.

I haven’t told anyone about this. My letters to you. I can almost see you raising your eyebrows with that shit-eating grin. Yes, you are my dirty little secret. I don’t even know why. Probably because the stuff I write is pretty personal. I haven’t even told Harper. We don’t talk a lot since we came to space. Nobody does, except maybe Murphy. He just can’t keep his mouth shut. I’m glad he’s here.

I love you, Monty

 

**Day 30**

 

Dear Jasper.

I might be a little drunk. We held a party. One month over. Mostly, it was just an excuse to drown our sorrows. You know where I am? I’m sitting at one of those windows where we used to look out onto the earth. I can feel you beside me. Is that weird? Maybe it’s weird.

It wasn’t that way when my mom died. In some ways, I had already lost her. But you? You died slowly, wasted away right in front of my eyes. And I did nothing.

I’m sorry, Monty.

 

**Day 31**

 

Dear Jasper.

Yesterday, when we were all fuzzy from the booze (no, I didn’t make it, we found some unopened bottles in one of the chambers), we sat and talked. Well. The others talked. I mostly listened. Have I always been a listener? I don’t know. You would know. You know me better than I know myself. Maybe that’s why what I did hurt you so much. But that’s not what this letter is about. This letter is about yesterday. Murphy had a crush on Bellamy. Did you know that? They even almost had a thing, one time. Nobody really seemed surprised by Murphy’s confession. Bellamy even apologized for the way he treated Murphy. Murphy said it was okay since he was kind of an ass.

Raven asked how long Bellamy had been in love with Clarke. Talk about unexpected, right? Who’d have thought Raven Reyes would be the one to address the elephant in the room. Maybe Bellamy was tired of never talking about it or maybe he just missed Clarke, because he told us how he fell in love with every part of her separately until he one day loved the whole of Clarke Griffin. He had tears in his eyes, but he didn’t cry, didn’t allow himself to cry. Because when he cried it would mean he believed Clarke was dead. And he couldn’t believe that, because believing it made it true.

That’s when I left. I couldn’t bear the emotional honesty. Or maybe I couldn’t bear the thought that he had still hope, somebody to return to, while everyone I have left is here in space.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 40**

 

Dear Jasper.

I love you. I loved you. And I think sometimes I loved you as more than a friend. I know we sometimes made fun of Bellamy and Clarke, because they are just so obviously obliviously in love. But I wasn’t any better. You know when I realized? When you met Maya. I liked her. But part of me was jealous that she got something from you I’d never have. Would you have given it to me if I’d asked? I suppose I’ll never know, so I try not to think about it too much. I try to appreciate what we had. I try to appreciate what I have now, with Harper. But it’s hard.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 45**

 

Dear Jasper.

Even in space, everyone is still the same. Raven is working tirelessly, cool and awesome as ever. Bellamy is taking care of everyone while forgetting that he needs to be taken care of too sometimes. Murphy and Emori still mostly keep to themselves whenever they can. Sometimes I’m a little jealous of what they have. It makes no sense, because I have Harper. I’ll always have Harper. But then again, I thought I’d always have you. Maybe there is no always with people.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 46**

 

Dear Jasper.

Did you know this is my calendar? Whenever I feel lost in time, I look into this journal. Fourty-six days. It feels like an eternity. I suppose it is. But it‘s only a fragment of the time we still have left in space. Maybe you were right. Maybe this isn‘t a life worth living.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 47**

 

Dear Jasper.

Harper is doing okay. Maybe even better than me. Definitely better than Echo. She is so lost. A grounder in space without anyone to return to. She’s lost her clan. She’s the only one she’s got left. That’s something I understand. I feel lost too. I know I’ve got Harper. But I’d rather have you.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 49**

 

Dear Jasper.

It took forty-nine days for someone to come and try to talk to me about you. You can take your guess as to who it was. If you guessed Bellamy, you’re right. I told him that I was sad, sometimes angry. Often at myself. He told me not to blame myself like he’s one to talk.

Sometimes, when I look at him, I’m back in the control room at Mount Weather. Clarke and him about to pull the switch. And I can’t help but think of all the innocent people I’ve killed. Bellamy says I shouldn’t blame myself, that your death wasn’t my fault. Well, he can go fuck himself, because it was.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 50**

 

Dear Jasper.

Seven people in space. Alone for five years. Who’d you pick? Sounds like one of those thought puzzles where you evaluate your relationships and see who’s really important in your life. That’s bullshit. When you spend a long enough time with someone, they become important to you. We’ve all grown closer. Emori and Raven have become friends, Echo and me have the kind of quiet friendship where we understand each other without many words. Bellamy of course is still being Bellamy, trying to be there for everyone at once. Murphy has become our source of entertainment, his dry sarcasm fits space. I wouldn’t trade a single one of them for anyone in the whole world. Except maybe you.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 60**

 

Dear Jasper.

There was a fight. Raven and Echo. I don’t know what the fight was about, but at the end of it, the two refused to speak with each other. I hope it works out. It’s not worth wasting time on being angry with someone you care about. And I know they care about each other.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 66**

 

Dear Jasper.

Harper asked me today what the journal was. She started to open it and I screamed at her to put it down. I guess I’m still protective of you. She looked at me with that worried look she sometimes gets. She’s doing a lot better. Probably better than me.

Raven and Echo are still not talking.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 70**

 

Dear Jasper.

One more month and we’re at 100 days. 100. That’s how many delinquents were sent to earth. I’ve lost count of how many of us died. When we get back, we’ll only be seven. A new skaikru of seven people.

Sometimes I think it would be better in the bunker. Here, we have too much space for the number of people. The ark is not made for seven.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 75**

 

Dear Jasper.

Raven and Echo are speaking again.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 77**

 

Dear Jasper.

Today I caught Raven and Echo making out. Glad to know their issues are fully resolved.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 80**

 

Dear Jasper.

I talked to Raven about her and Echo. She just laughed and said there was no her and Echo just like there was no her and Bellamy. I decided not to ask.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 82**

 

Dear Jasper.

I realized we don’t talk about the ground much. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe Bellamy and Raven talk about the ground. Maybe they just don’t talk about the ground with me.

Of course we talk a lot about getting back. It’s gonna be tricky. But I believe Raven can do it.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 88**

 

Dear Jasper.

Clarke is alive.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 89**

 

Dear Jasper.

Today we got another radio message from Clarke. It’s addressed to Bellamy. She says it’s been eighty-seven days since Primefaya. Maybe she was unconscious. Or maybe I lost count. Raven doesn’t know why we can hear her but she can’t hear us. She’s not sure whether the com system is worth fixing. There are more important matters to attend to.

I hope she decides to fix it. Because for all Clarke knows, we’re dead and she’s talking into the void. Like me.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 96**

 

Dear Jasper.

I did lose count. I don’t know how. But Clarke’s off too. Funny thing’s that. Time.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 100**

 

Dear Jasper.

They say time heals all wounds. 100 days are not enough time. I miss you. I still haven’t cried. Harper is worried. Bellamy is too, but he’s always worried. I think they are right to worry.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 120**

 

Dear Jasper.

Remember that time you died in my arms? Good times. Tonight I had a dream about it. I cried in my sleep and some more when I was awake again. After that, I was numb.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 121**

 

Dear Jasper.

I overheared Harper and Echo talk. I didn’t know they talked to each other. I guess it makes sense. Harper told Echo how she was worried about me. About how I might do something stupid. Echo told her that they’d both once almost done something stupid and that she would not let me make the same mistake as my best friend.

Was it a mistake though? I don’t know. Maybe you are right. Maybe it’s about more than just surviving. Maybe it’s about living. I’ve got nothing to live for but the return to a ground that holds nothing for me. All of the others have something on the ground. Bellamy has a family. Octavia, Clarke and Clarke’s nightblood child. Raven’s always got work, the next challenge. A world needs rebuilding. A good job for Raven Reyes. For Emori and Echo, the ground is home. That’s why they’re returning. And Murphy is following wherever Emori goes. Maybe he’s also returning for himself. On the ground he became a man he likes to be. He became a man who’s not a total dickhead. I don’t know what Harper has. She has me. I’ve got her. We have each other. So why does it feel like a lie to write that?

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 127**

 

Dear Jasper.

I’m sick. It sucks, because now I’m in quarantine with nothing but my thoughts. It doesn’t make much of a difference. I don’t talk much anymore. I share hugs and looks and kisses, but words? Words are something I rarely share with another person. It’s almost like with you, my need to get my thoughts out has died. I write more into these letters than I tell people in real life. Maybe that’s unhealthy. But I need this. I need you.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 130**

 

Dear Jasper.

Time’s like dough up here. But now I’m back on track. It’s entry 130 on day 130. That’s a long ass time. It’s not even been a year and it feels like a decade.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 133**

 

Dear Jasper.

You know, sometimes I forget you’re dead. Not only just after waking up. Today we sat around the dinner table, about people we loved. I was fondly thinking of you, how you’d go crazy in that bunker, all cooped up with a hoard of grounders. I think I even smiled for the first time since you died, because Harper was looking at me with surprise and love in her eyes. For a moment, everything was right. Everything was warm. And then I remembered. I choked on my breath, almost let out a sob. Harper’s smile turned into a worried frown. She tried to take my hand, but I just got up and left.

I’m glad they let me. No one came after me. I’m the odd one out. It doesn’t really bother me though. I’ve got you.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 135**

 

Dear Jasper.

I’m not okay.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 137**

 

Dear Jasper.

Every day is getting harder. Isn’t it supposed to get easier? Maybe I should reach out to one of the others. But I can’t. Their company is suffocating. Whenever I’m with them, I feel wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, I still help with everything. I still work with the others, eat with the others. But I talk even less than I did before. And I stopped hugging anyone but Harper. Echo looks worried. I don’t know if I care.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 139**

 

Dear Jasper.

It’s scary. So scary. I’m sorry you had to go through this alone. You made the best of it.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 140**

 

Dear Jasper.

Harper tried to talk to me. She said she was worried about me. That I was becoming like her back on earth. When she thought death was the only way. She said I was scaring her. That she couldn’t bear to watch me suffer. I just looked at her. I didn’t know what to say. Then I said: “Then look away.”

She started to cry and ran out. Probably to talk to Bellamy.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 141**

 

Dear Jasper.

She did go to Bellamy. I think he ordered the others to watch out for me. To not leave me alone. Seems like he learned from his mistakes. Maybe it will work. Maybe I will get better, I’ll stop thinking about dying and the pointlessness of living. Maybe.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 143**

 

Dear Jasper.

They are annoying. I think they work in shifts to keep an eye on me. They’re trying not to make it obvious. The least annoying are probably Raven, Murphy and Echo. Raven because she lets me work, Murphy because he’s a sarcastic asshole and tells it how it is and Echo because she gets me. She understands me. And she leaves me be as much as she can while still keeping an eye on me. I write my letters to you on Echo’s shift. She’s the least likely to bother me about them.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 145**

 

Dear Jasper.

Four days since I’ve been put on suicide watch. Four days of no solitude. If one more person talks to me, I’m gonna scream.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 148**

 

Dear Jasper.

I did scream. I broke down. Now they’ve locked me up. I’m lucky I still have you. They searched me for sharp objects and anything I could make a noose out of. I could keep you and a pen because I told them you would keep me sane. Do you though? I’m not sure. But I can’t stop writing you. Because when I stop, you are truly gone.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Entry 150**

 

Dear Jasper.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here. It feels like hours, it feels like days. I know I’ve slept at least twice. Maybe more. I’m not sure of anything anymore. Nothing seems real. Is this how you felt? Or was everything too real for you? I’m so sorry for what I did to you.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 152**

 

Dear Jasper.

They let me out. There was a talk. Harper told me how she loved me and didn’t want me to die. That she was looking forward to out future together. A future of healing. Future. What a strange concept. Raven said that they couldn’t spare me, that I was the second best with the tech on the ship and if we want any chance to get down in five years, I’d have to be there. I’d better help. Echo just hugged me. They all tried to give me a reason to live. Murphy said that he needed me, because who’d scowl at him when he made a tasteless joke. I think Raven did just fine. Emori said that to survive was to live. Yeah, I can hear you laughing at that. And Bellamy… Well, Bellamy said that we had already lost so much. That I was their friend. One of them. And they couldn’t just sit by and watch me destroy myself.

For the first time in a while, I felt something Jasper. I felt rage. Because where were they when you needed them? Why hadn’t they tried to save you the same way they now tried to save me? I didn’t say any of that though. I just nodded. Then I let them hug me. By the time they were done, I was numb again.

I hope I still love you, even if I can’t feel it, Monty.

 

**Day 153**

 

Dear Jasper.

I hurt myself today. It wasn’t on accident. I took a knife and made a cut along my arm. I have enough scars to pick one to cut open again. I felt the pain. It grounded me in reality. I quickly pressed a cloth against the wound to stop the bleeding. And to make the pain stay. I haven’t felt so alive in a long time. I wonder what that says about me.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 154**

 

Dear Jasper.

I broke up with Harper.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 155**

 

Dear Jasper.

Raven tried to talk some sense into me. She saw one of the cuts.

I love you, Monty.

 

**Day 156**

 

Dear Jasper.

I have a plan.

May we meet again, Monty.

 

**Day 157**

 

Dear Jasper.

I think they stopped caring.

May we meet again, Monty.

 

**Day 158**

 

Dear Jasper.

Murphy tried to take the journal. Now I have to hide it.

May we meet again, Monty.

 

**Day 159**

 

Dear Jasper.

Tomorrow is the day. I want to end on a round number. 160. A nice number. Not as nice as 166 or 23, but it will do. I don’t want to wait much longer. Murphy once said you took the coward’s way out. He doesn’t know what kind of strength it takes to do what you did.

May we meet again, Monty.

 

**Day 160**

 

Dear Jasper.

This is my last entry. I hope there is an afterlife and we will see each other again. I know you wanted me to live. But we can’t always get what we want.

I love you, Monty.

 

** Day 1985 **

 

Dear Jasper.

It’s been five years and 160 days since praimfaya. We’re still in fucking space. And it has been exactly five years since I tried to kill myself. I tried to float myself, but Raven had locked all the airlocks. Then I tried to cut open my wrists, but Harper found me just as I passed out. So I didn’t die. I woke up and was alive. I still wanted to die. I needed to die. But they wouldn’t let me.  Remember when I said they’d stopped caring? Well, they never did. They just didn’t know how to help me. They found a way. And t oday I’m grateful for that. I like to be alive. Some days it’s hard. Ah, who am I kidding. It’s hard most days. But it’s worth it. For the little things. For the good days.

M y friend, my love, my brother. Wait for me.

I love you, Monty.

**Author's Note:**

> I forgot about Monty's hands until day 153. Sorry 'bout that.  
> I'm just. So hurt by Jasper's death. I hope you enjoyed my attempt to cope.
> 
> As always, if you want, check out my [tumblr](http://writtelings.tumblr.com/) and comments are always appreciated <3


End file.
